Just a little off balance

So one thing about having a busted arm is that it throws your balance off. I'm not exactly sure how much of it is legit vs mental.

It's enough of a big deal that I'm very cautious walking up and down stairs. Basically I've turned into an old person who's nervous about breaking a hip.

So when I finally decided I was being ridiculous...I fell down the stairs. Seriously. Luckily it was only the bottom half and the stairs were carpeted, but I did slam right down on my busted arm and landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Let me tell you that hurt.

The good news is that it doesn't feel any worse, but I definitely felt the impact reverberate up through my arm and shoulder.

As I was laying at the bottom of the stairs all I could think was, "why me????" and after a few tears I just started laughing hysterically. Yes, laughing, like a crazy person.

Life's funny like that. Just when you think you have something figured out you trip over your own feet and find yourself lying in a heap. I'm not quite sure what the logic or rational could be, but maybe that's the point...there is no point or maybe this really is all part of some lesson master plan. Either way I'm trying to learn and accept that there's really nothing much I can do about it other than laugh, pick myself up and keep shuffling along.

T-minus 30 minutes to launch

That's how I felt as I was positioned in the MRI machine this morning --- but more on that in a bit.

What is totally baffling is that I spent my childhood aggressively playing numerous organized sports (soccer, swimming, tennis and volleyball) and was always hanging out with kids whose regular conversations went something like this:

• "Wanna build a ramp out of boards or snow and jump our bikes/skateboards/sleds over them?"

• "Wanna pull me behind your bike while I hold on to the seat while I'm on my skateboard?"

• "Wanna race down the street on our bikes while I sit on your handlebars?"

• "Wanna go exploring in the park/woods/creek?"

• "Wanna run around the neighborhood playing a monster game of flashlight tag?"

• "Wanna climb those fences/trees?"

In all that time I may have skinned by knees, but I never got seriously injured --- and yet later in life this old bag of bones seems to be a magnetic for injury. Figures.

So back to my Mission to Mars that's a courtesy of this bike wreck.

If you've ever had the pleasure of having an MRI you know what I mean. After removing every piece of jewelry and donning a lovely hospital gown I shoved ear plugs in my ears, got positioned on this sled-like bed and was rolled into position.

I kid you not, I felt like I was heading to the Moon w/o the proper training or gear.

The loud buzzing and beeping took some getting used to, but somehow I just closed my eyes, kept very still and in a way meditated to the sound of those buzzes and beeps. In no time the 30 minutes was up and I was heading out the door with my CD full of cool looking images.

Unfortunately, I couldn't convince the tech to tell me anything. I'm just going to have to wait until next Wednesday to learn the results. It's like discovering your Christmas gift early, but you can't figure out how to effectively open the box to see what's inside.

I'll take a Dark and Stormy

Even the most positive person has a down day and I think it's only to be expected that today is the day I was wallowing and feeling sorry for myself.

Today it rained from morning until night --- dark and storm and dreary. I've basically been stuck in bed since Saturday, I haven't gotten any physically activity since then and it is clear I won't be racing at The Nations Triathlon this year.

Today was also the day I headed to my orthopedic surgeon to discuss my busted up left arm. You may recall that the folks at Beebe Medical called me yesterday to insist that I see an ortho since after the fact they saw what appeared to be a chipped bone on my film.

After another painful and restless night that required painkillers to induce sleep, I was starting to feel beat down. The news from Beebe only helped to push me further down.

With all this as a backdrop I arrived at the doctor's office. After another set of x-rays --- and let me tell you the pain of getting that updated film was kinda awful --- it was clear that I had chipped my shoulder. Who would have thought that what appears to be a minor bone chip could cause this much pain!

The doctor then did a series of strength and flexibility tests to both my arms.

The good news --- I was stronger and had more range than he would have expected.

The bad news --- during a resistance test he was concerned with my performance and level of pain as I brought my arm back down into a neutral position. This plus the location of the chip gave him concern that I may have damaged my rotator cuff --- a much more serious injury that would require surgery.

Whaaaat???? F-ing surgery?! Now the thought of that freaked me out.

I'll find out more tomorrow after my MRI and follow-up with my ortho.

Now the danger of the unknown and having more time than you'd like to think and analyze is that you can start spinning...and that's what happened tonight.

All the "what if's" and "why me...again" started racing around --- all completely unproductive time sucks I might add. Though, I do wonder what lesson all this is intended to teach me. I've had my fair share of "coming back from adversity" stories that I would hope that I've sufficiently learned those lessons.

Given how far I've come to train for Nations and my other fall events, I have to admit that I am crushed at the thought of losing my momentum and separately missing out on the opportunity to compete, but obviously there is a reason for all of this b/c I just can't accept that life is just this f-ing random.

So after tonight --- or more realistically tomorrow after I hear the prognosis --- I'm shutting down this pity-party and harnessing my energy in a more positive direction.

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Guardian Angel

As I was laying face down partially in the northbound lane of Coastal Highway this morning there was a split moment that I thought, "this could really be bad." Thankfully I had a guardian angel looking out for me.

This morning during a group ride I had a freak accident with another cyclist that resulted in a lovely trip to the ER. The good news is that I've continued my streak of never breaking a bone and other than some painful bruising, some gnarly looking cuts and road rash I'm really no worse for wear. As the doctor said in the ER --- it is incredible that I literally walked away from the accident.

The story goes that I hung back and decided to help out a fellow rider, Diana, who was new to cycling. I guess I can't help myself. I remember the frustration of being new, trying to understand all the bells & whistles and feeling frustrated. I've also greatly benefited from the kindness of others and I truly believe in the adage that you should pay things forward.

As we tackled the Indian River Inlet bridge (which is terrifying at times) we celebrated our success by rolling along toward Dewey Beach to meet up with the rest of our crew.

Diana was a bike length or two ahead of me so I could watch her and give her some pointers. As I turned to check out who was coming up behind us I noticed that two rockstar triathletes were gaining on us fast. I yelled out to shift to the right to let these folks pass. As I looked back again to check their position I didn't realize that Diana had correctly shifted right, but had also slowed. As I turned my attention forward I now was in the dangerous position of being too close and my front wheel was now dangerously too close and parallel to her rear wheel and pedal.

I made a split second decision that meant that I would take my chances trying to recover myself vs. probably saving myself from serious injury but likely taking Diana out and causing her harm.

I was able to slow, but given our speed and proximity I ended up going over the handlebars. Though some of this is still a blur I've pieced together that:

• As I tried to slow and maneuver to safety my wheel got a bit too sideways. and I went over the handlebars

• I wasn't able to safely unclip in time

• My forearm and then shoulder slammed into the pavement as me and my bike fell back to Earth

• I then started sliding across the pavement still tangled up in my bike

•. My helmet and sunglasses saved me from a serious head injury and facial lacerations (looking at the scratches on my helmet and across my left lens I am immediately aware how bad I was sliding)

• I stopped sliding partially in the northbound traffic lane of Coastal Hwy

I remember hearing someone scream, "Roll out of the road! Get her out of the road!". I soon realized that the two rockstars who were behind us quickly were on the scene and took charge.

I yelled out that I couldn't roll or even move myself to safety. I now know that it was the shock, I was a bit out of it and the pain was incredible. I (and others) initially thought I broke my collarbone or shoulder.

One of the cyclists carefully rolled/pulled me out of the road, while the other grabbed my bike. The woman gave me a quick medical assessment and we were glad to discover it wasn't my collarbone, but getting a set of x-rays would be imperative.

I'm not gonna lie --- I was bleeding, I was scared, a bit in shock and I was in pain. The left side of my body took the brunt of the crash and it just hurt. My hand, forearm and leg were bleeding and felt raw. I could feel the blood dripping.

Someone had the sense to grab water bottles and start cleaning all my wounds. Folks took off their bike socks and used them to stop the bleeding. A guy stopped and gave me three Advil. The most creative thing was when Diana tore her own pants and made a sling for my arm.

As we waited for a ride to the ER I was again impressed and grateful for all the people who stopped to offer assistance. I was also grateful for Diana --- she kept me laughing and stayed with me the entire time. I was even more touched when Diana placed her hands on my good arm and said a beautiful prayer asking that God watch over me and ensure that I was kept safe.

Luckily, soon enough we were headed to the ER where I learned that I had again escaped serious injury --- no broken bones, no stitches. Not to minimize the situation, but I literally limped away just with some soft tissue bruising/damage between my left shoulder and elbow and lacerations on my hand, forearm and leg.

I'm on IR for at least a week and racing at Nations is likely not in the cards this year. Though I am disappointed I know that I've worked hard this summer toward my fitness goals and I don't need an official time to confirm that I am a winner and would have crushed my PR.

Most importantly, I am so very grateful for the guardian angel who was watching over me today and for having the chance to take a potentially horrible situation and making a very good new friend.

Of course...least I forget...how's my bike?! I haven't done a full assessment yet, but I think considering the day she's had...she looks pretty good. It's likely I have a bent back tire or something like that b/c the rotation feels off.

All in all I am one lucky chick.
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Checking the box

During a recent run I was chatting with some friends about everyone's favorite topic --- dating and relationships. While they were talking about likes/dislikes and the challenge of on-line dating b/c it has a tendency to reinforce a checklist mentality (btw...SO true!), I was immediately brought back to May 20, 2008 and a conversation I was having in a restuarant in Miami. It's funny how the oddest things trigger a memory.

I had just attended my brother's wedding and a few days immersed in the Miami scene. I was remarking about how intriguing it was that I had never felt so invisible. Now mind you, I have a pretty outgoing personality and am ok walking into a room full of strangers and having a pretty good time --- but in Miami I would walk into a club and it was as if I didn't exist. It got so funny that at one club I was afraid that once I stepped out of the fancy VIP area I wouldn't be able to get back in with my group. I literally went up to one of the bouncers guarding the door to have him look at me before I left to make sure he would remember me when I returned. I am seriously not kidding.

I am here to tell you that that night had everything to do with a checklist...and at that time in my life I definitely wasn't on the list. I was going through a tough time and was the heaviest I had ever been...and in Miami...I might as well have had leprosy. To top it off...I had a case of being too preppy. Preppy girls do not fair well in nightclubs in Miami.

Interestingly, instead of being devastated I was just a little hurt but more fascinated by how I was treated...and it was pretty consistent. Folks would literally look right through me as if I didn't exist. I was the same person...with the same winning personality...but didn't fit in to what folks expected.

Since then I notice how people treat me differently depending on how I look. Some might say when you feel good about yourself you're more confident and being more confident can lead to a more positive reaction. I think there is some truth to that, but I do think that's only part of the story.

Now I'm no angel. We all use checklists, but I like to think that my checklist is a lot more flexible as a result of that night in Miami...and surprisingly I'm grateful for the lesson.